…so I can see whether or not my neighbor wants to go running with me lmao!! I am such a sorry sap. lol I really am excited to go running tomorrow morning. I’m cheesing because I’m ready to be exhausted, breathless and tired af. It means I’m 1 step closer to reaching my goal of kicking some Chicago ass!! WOOOOOOO!! lmao woo I really am the moodiest person I know. I guess I can work on my push ups tonight but I’m seriously praying that this chick wants to climb up the hill to run around a track with me. If all else fails I’d totally work out alone but I probably will be so tired from climbing the hill that I’d just not run @ that the track. smh Plus, I’m deciding whether or not to get my hair done. If she doesn’t contact me, I guess I’lll call up my stylist and make an appointment but I really wish I had taken better care of my hair this last month smh I hate paying $60 just for my hair. Then I’d go to my school and that damn beach neighborhood weather is going to fuck it up. Then the cycle continues…Damn I made an appointment with her for 1 o’clock tomorrow. That damn pressing comb is my hair crack. Well @ least it’s for the afternoon so I can totally work out a little then head to the shop. smh I’mma have to get braids soon. Okay so this is how vain I am. So I after I went to the recruiter and was heading home..or wither it was before I went to the recruiter. Idk but sometime today I was seriously trying to figure out how my black ass is gonna kick it in boot camp. 1st of all I’d be in near Chi-town. I swear God need to bless me with a boot camp date in the Spring. I’m a sunny weather baby I don’t fuck with that east coast winter shit. I’m a mf-ong wimp like that. Then I’m a black girl trying to kick it on a boat. So obviously water and black hair….it just isn’t a favorable combination. Let’s just say me and braids are not either. Man, I’m totally glad I’m serious about this shit because otherwise braids would not be in my agenda. There is a funny story about me and braids that only those who were present that moment in time would understand but yeah braids and I are not complementary. Let’s just say I don’t look at braids favorably because of my big ass forehead. True Story. Okay I have toooooooo much energy!!
Okay I like this song but ever since it became popular..all those years ago I could never play this song in constant repeat. lol Let me just say that I feel SOOOOOOO good today that I can and will play this on replay over and OVER AND OVER!!! Until I spin into a dizzy fit from spinning like the record I’m putting on :DDD This song is exactly how my mind is working right now :DD
…in books that I love. I’m extremely attached to Janie in Their Eyes Were Watching God. If you know me, then you can pretty much figure out why. It’s kind of obvious but yeah she kind of mirrors my life…or the life I’m avoiding but in a different time period.
OMG!! I haven’t felt this good in ages!! I literally just want start singing @ the top of my lungs. I won’t. lol Yo, I just got back from meeting with a Navy recruiter. smh. The guy I spoke to on the phone was real chill. I think I would have enlisted today, had he been then one I saw in the office. Everytime I looked @ this woman all I think of was dollar signs. I mean, that’s kool, that is her job. However, I’m not making a decision like this based of someone’s need to make quota and them rushing me into stuff. lol Just because it seems like I’m helpless and I let my family talk for me, doesn’t mean that is the case. The keyword is LET. I let that shit happen but I’m totally campable of forming my own words and allowing them to release from my mouth. I just let them hold onto that part of my “good girl” ness. If someone chooses to think of me in that way, I can’t change their minds. I don’t care enough to do all of that. I am who I am and I think that if you understand me, you digg me. If not, then fuck off. But yeah if that guy I spoke to on the phone was in the office I’m prettys sure I would have signed up for the test after my practice test. This lady was so not on her game enough to presuade me to enlist on the spot. lol I’m glad I have some slaes experience because I was just judging her whole pitch to me. I was sitting erect and my posture was on point while she was slumped in he chair. I was just thinking, like bro, smh that’s one point lost for the Navy. I couldn’t help but think everytime she spoke. Now, how am I going to find that AF recruiter @ the next mall. Or damn I wonder when that male officer is going to be in because I def do not want her to my recruiter. I just couldn’t relate to her, on any level.
Well, woohoo I def feel mad crazy better now that all of that is off my chest. I got everything done today that has been driving me insane. I dropped off that product from my old job, retook my written DMV test, told my aunt about joining th military, saw a recruiter. Hot damn. Now all I have to do is complete my math homework tonight, practice my clarinet, finish doing the laundry and set my behind the wheel driving test appointment for next week.
I’m waiting to see if my cousin is going to hit me up about that Kendrick Lamar concert this week. I think I feel so good that I might just say Hell yeah, bro. I got the twenty for my tixs. lol Of course my bro Danielle has to come with lmao!!! But yeah I think I’mma party it up tomorrow with them.
Lol if I get my license I think I’mma roadt rip for sure especially since I’m enlisting and the next 4 years of my life will be of Uncle Sam’s will.
But stil I feel great right now. I should really think of being tested whether or not I’m Bipolar lmao I swear my mood changes as fast as L.A. weather. ie. It was cloudy, sunny this morning, it rained for like ten minutes and now the sun is back out. I think today’s weather totally is a metaphor for my life. lol
..maybe I’m speaking too soon. Not going to lie I was on some out of this world tilting on depression shit this morning. lmao It was like I was high and depressed @ the same time. My plan was to holla @ my aunt on the way to my bus stop. So apparently today is a holiday, so my sister didn’t have school so I didn’t have a ride from my aunt because she didn’t have to get up to drop her off. Oh, well okay no big deal. Just delayed the talk from happening. Okay, yes, TOTAL big deal. I was freaking the fuck out all day!!! I had to keep apologizing to my homie all morning because I was on one. lol Since I walked to bus stop I thought I was going to be late. BIG WHOOP! UGH the one day my black ass doesn’t want to be on time. I AM!! Lmao I prayed @ each bus stop I’d be late. smh God decided to bless me with punctuality today. -_- Then once I got near my bus stop to catch the bus to my class…the light decides to turn red and I can’t cross the street. Ugh I had to run for the bus. I’m never doing that again. Fuck music class. Okay so my friend and I were both out of it. I forget why she was dazed but….oh yeah I think she was sleepy. smh I mean if we had ran into some1 with some..dinner…we might have gotten toasty. lol well naw I told her I wouldn’t. I’ve gotten to 18 without it…I’m pushy a lifetime goal here. Don’t know if I’ll make it but heck..reach for the mf-ing stars. Lol well we didn’t bro. lol So we went to campus…only to ditch class. lmao we hopped back on the bus after like ten - twenty minutes on campus and went back to the main campus. I forget what we did. Oh yeah, we hit up the liquor store and Burger King. I left my guitar on that campus…where it shall stay until Monday. Woo it felt good not to have to carry Timothy around all day!! So afte BK we did some walking I guess…you know my day is kind of in a haze. I don’t remember half the shit we did. I just know I bought a shit load of Hispanic candy, ice cream, bubblegum and Lucas @ the liquor store. Then I shared my hasbrowns with the bro. I was secretly dying inside because I paid almost 3 bucks for them and I had to share. lmao I’m secretly a greedy prick when it comes to shit I love and paid for solo and having to share it. smh this was a good test. I wonder if she saw me secretly die inside. lmao!! My facial expressions make me so fucking transparent. Oh well we went to this Black Collegian Business meeting. It was cool. If I thought I was staying in college I’d totally want to take some business courses…or accounting. IDK. I have a feeling I may stay but I was really fed up with college. I guess talking about all of that today was really helpful. lol I mean I layed all these serious talk on the bro when we were kicking it and she didn’t seem disturbed like Idk it was really chill for me to have that time to just basically aaaaaaaargh it all out. I don’t regret ditching that damn class. No sir, I don’t but I will not do it again. After the meeting we got a free pizza slice…mmm that veggie pizza was good. Then we kicked it again on the quad…lol we spoke to a few chill girls lol I really wanted to compliment this girl on her hair. She ended up playing in my hair trying to explain what she did to it. lol I was like wtf!! lol I couldn’t see what she was doing so I told the bro to watch and explain it to me when she was done. -_- The bro is a bad reteller. smh. Well we moved because these veteran canvassers were getting really aggressive. It was a good idea because not only that was bad but this guy that tried to hit on my friend by being ratchet a few weeks ago was in the atmosphere..lmao His name is Alex!! lmao!! We were just talking about this other guy that tried to hit on me BUT has a girlfriend, might be named Alex. lol We had a whole convo about it on the walk to our second trip to Burger King…lol I wanted another ice cream. I swear we were high without actually smoking anything. We had the munchies on the realest deal. I KNOW, I DID!! I was eating everything!! Oh gawd!! I don’t know how I’m suppose to survive pt when I’m so out of shape and I want to grub on all of the crappy food I can get my hands on. I just realized today that I may actually get my Freshman 15. UGH. LOL Actually I may just gain 5 lbs because my schedule is basically like carrying weights everywhere I go. Maybe since I didn’t have my guitar to carry everywhere I decided to gain some weight lmao!! Oh well okay so the day was depressing af until we moved after the veterans were harassing us. So yeah the day had it’s funny moments but it turnt really legit once we were on the opposite side of the quad and were just chilling. Then a dude we met the 2nd week of school came by and decided to chill with us. We were just conversing, real chill. lol I think he is interested in my homie but like idk. I really hope he is. So I can just continue to talk to him like a bro. I really don’t like it when I attract friends into wanting to be more than friends because they are attracted to me intellect. I mean that’s cool but I don’t really know what to do from then on. lol I hope when he offered to teach me stuff on the guitar, it was just out of friend friendliness. I’m just so fucking suspicious of every dude. Idk the bus has me paranoid that everyone is a creep. lmao!! No joke. Everyone is a creep until they have proven otherwise lol. But yeah then this girl we met @ the Business meeting came over and chilled with us and was really impressed with the intelligent conversations we were having. I mean, it was like we were discussing politics or anything. lol Just vibing and chilling. You know discussing things on real terms, not superficial hoopla that seems to surround every other black social circle. Then the girl I met yesterday came over and I introduced everyone. Yadayada. You know that realy set me in a good mood. I went to math class and finished my math homework. It was the first assignment I’ve completed since the second week. I don’t care if the teacher is psycho. I’m doing my homework from now on. Even if I fail the class at least I can say I tried my best. I have to complete this semester and I refuse to fuck up anymore. Now, if only I could get myself to practice these damn instruments. Okay, so I don’t feel as depressing as I was the rest of this week. I’m ready to tell my family about the military decision. I don’t feel the tear ducts working so fast so I think I can control them better. Woo. I’m flipping out mad crazy. If I could find a mf-ing job, my life would be a thousand times better. That’s it. I just need a weekend job. But no, somehow I’m fucked until the Spring Semester. It’s crazy, how I’m willing to work my ass off for a job, but no one will hire me. Fuck, I’d even be willing to work 1/2 minimum wage. I never understood why people go into a life of crime but I swear if times were ALWAYS how they are NOW….I can’t say I’d knock them for their logic. I’m glad I’m not stooping that low. I mean it’s not like I’ve decided to drop out of college, have a baby and stay @ home to raise my baby. Naw, I’m placing college on hold so that I can develip myself into a positive community leader and citizen. Joining the military isn’t my life’s ambition but it feels right. I need to do something that feels right and isn’t just another one of my it feels like something I need to do RIGHT NOW decisions. smh I have a habit of making right now decisions. smh I wanted SOOOOOOO bad to drive my car to school today. *long breath* I swear that must be that rush feeling that thieves get before they jack something. It took all of my might to just walk across the street, down some blocks and leave my lil bucket in front of my house. All week I’ve just wanted to hop into my car and drive away. Not looking back. And gotdamn it!!! If I had my damn license that would have SSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO been a reality. lol I would call the homie up and we’d be road tripped out of California. lmao naw prolly not. But we def would be in the Bay!! North Cali @ the least. lmao I’d love to drive across the nation but..umm the east coast is cold af. Perhaps one day I’ll get mad and become a beach bum for a while. Lol “beach bum”, can you tell I’m a Gidget fan??!!
Today is the first step to becoming a grown woman. I’m going to confront my family about my decision. *breathe* I’ve been putting it off because everytime I wanted to speak I could feel the waterworks start up. I don’t know why I want to cry. This is the smartest plan for my life that I could possibly make. I’m young, single, childless and planning on staying that way for another 20- 30 years. Taking this leap of faith @ 18 seems wise. I’m dying to know how they will respond. I’m planning on just spitting it out on the drive to my bus stop. All I can do is pray, pray, pray that this doesn’t turn into a lecture. I’m not wanting their permission, just their insight. I’m fed up living in L.A., broke and with this constant feeling that I’m wasting my youth. Like if I stay on this path I’m doomed. I need something to change positively in my life. All of the signs are here that I should not stay here, where I am.
..but that’s good. I was really scared for a minute there that I had become fearless. I had this emptiness that I thought was growing. I know that I keep making stupid moves but I do love living. So, I was on the bus, full of odd people, and it was it inch by inch traffic. I knew I wouldn’t get home until dark. smh I started strategizing on how I’d walk home and what I’d do from that bus ride to my next two bus stops then the final walk home. This fearless urge to kick some ass was rising inside of me. I was on the bus with odd people so my “don’t fuck with me” face was on. Luckily I feel safe on my next bus route so that got to rest. So from my second bus stop to my third stop I get to ride with this guy who goes to school with me and we ride the bus together everyday. I realized today that he is like my bus riding security blanket. I don’t expect him to like protect me if some shit hits the fan or anything. Although when we were on the bus and this older guy kept looking @ me oddly and I made my fuck off face he started eyeing the man badly. But yeah anyways I just like having that one familar face, it’s really comforting. However, he gets off the bus 3 stops before mine and when he got off today my heart started like yelling for him. lol I got this hard dash of fear instilled as I watched him walk away from the bus. *shivers* It’s really odd how that works. I’ve never spoken to the brotha and we have this weird I will not look @ you while you’re looking @ me relationship but somehow he is my security blanket.
I am honestly getting tired of getting dressed for school.
Everyday it’s jeans and a tee. I miss the security of high school where I could wear basically nothing to school and not feel like I had to protect myself 24/7. I hate the fact that I have to catch the bus and dress appropriately for the bus and all the fuckin weirdos I come in contact with. I miss my heels and mini skirts and dresses!! I pass them in my closet everyday knowing that we will not meet for a long while.
“I think one of the key ways for women to gain and keep power is education—education on their own fertility (in order to control their own bodies) and formal education as a means of becoming economically independent. If women can’t control their bodies or their income, how will they ever control their own destinies? Both bring autonomy, independence and empowerment.”—
Sandra Cisneros is the author of “Caramelo,” “Loose Woman, Woman Hollering” and “The House on Mango Street.”